DES MOINES, IA—Sitting down on their living room couches Friday after running a few household errands, mothers across the nation told their children today to "buckle the fuck up" for the 2012 London Olympic Opening Ceremony, adding that the event was sure to be "one hell of a wild-ass ride."
"Hold on to your hats, motherfuckers, because you’re about to get knocked on your asses by some real goddamned pageantry," said local mother Sarah Foster, 46, telling her children Daniel, 8, and Cindy, 14, that the three-hour plus broadcast was going to feature "an ever-loving shitload of colorful choreography." "As soon as Greece gets out there and that Parade of Athletes gets going, shit’s gonna get buck wild, believe me."
"Hope you're ready, bitches," Foster added while folding laundry.
Saying that the show would "really fucking kick it up a notch" after the International Olympic Committee president started introducing each nation's representatives, mothers reportedly reminded their children that it was going to be "balls-to-the-wall with multicultural pomp and splendor" from the minute "those goddamn rings roll across that screen” to “the second some magnificent English cocksucker lights up that Olympic torch."
"Mother of fucking Christ, strap in tight and batten down the hatches, you sons of bitches, because these wondrous sets and props are going to blow the brains straight out of your skull," said Toledo, OH mother Martha Crawford to her 13-year-old son, Aaron, as she handed him a snack plate of carrots and hummus. "You better get yourself a clean pair of underwear ready, because when those fucking flag bearers start running, you'll be creaming your jeans in no time."
According to a Zogby poll, 43 percent of mothers said, "You're going to lose your shit when you see this ornate goddamned costumery," with 31 percent noting, "I hope you like stirring representations of English cultural history, 'cause this shit is about to tear your ass to shreds," and the remaining 26 percent declaring, "You think you've seen flags before, huh? Oh, you’re about to see a goddamned plethora of fucking flags waving in perfect formation, so step back, bitch."
At press time, the mothers told reporters that "if you think this opening ceremony is a beast, wait until your ass gets a load of the motherfucking women’s gymnastics finals.
LONDON—Members of the U.S. men's gymnastics team have continued to apologize for their fifth-place finish in Monday’s team finals, mistakenly convinced that they dashed the entire nation's dreams of Olympic glory. "They didn't even come close to letting us down," said Minnesota resident Harry Camiel, referring to the male gymnasts who earlier fought back tears as they struggled to express how deeply sorry they were for breaking the hearts of the 300 million devoted fans they believed were counting on them. "Not a big deal. We don't actually care one way or the other whether you won or lost. It's not something important like basketball." At press time, the U.S. populace was unavailable for further comment, as it was completely absorbed in highlights from the Blue Jays–Mariners game
WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.
by CHRIS URQUHART
This is the only article about the Olympic Games that you will ever need because it is based on every Olympic news article ever written. Ever.
First, you need to know that the venues aren’t going to be ready on time. Of course by the time that the Olympics are running like clock-work, in beautiful, fully-functioning venues, you will have forgotten about this story that you read two weeks earlier. You will realise that although the venues were ready in time, original stories about the lead-up to the Games were not.
Next there will be a story about how many condoms will be distributed at the Olympic village. The number is approximately 87 million. This article will probably include some enterprising mathematics on behalf of the reporter, who will calculate a figure of 8.346 condoms per athlete. This will lead you to wonder how many pregnancies may occur as a result of the 9th sexual encounter when only 0.654 of a condom is available for use.
Olympic Village condoms.
Sometimes there will be original stories that take you by surprise. This year, for example, a champion swimmer who critics judge is too fat to compete. Before you dismiss this story as unresearched garbage, be aware that in fact, it is very thoroughly researched. Do you have any idea how many hours it takes to sort through 297 photos of an athlete looking incredibly fit in order to find the 298th photo where she is bending at an awkward angle? What’s most surprising though, is that the debate over the swimmer continues for a second and third day, even though the only debate is between editors as to whether the debate should be on page 1, 2 and 3 or whether it should be on page 4 as well.
At the opening ceremony, you will learn more about the world than you ever did from Mr O’Connor in Year 9 geography. You will learn that Chad is a country, and not the name of a stripper from Manpower. You will learn that Madagascar is less animated than it appears in cartoons. You will learn that seven countries end with –stan, but unbelievably, there is no one called Stan on any of their teams. The other good news is that the next day there will be debate online about how unattractive the Australian team’s uniforms were. You will be qualified to participate in this debate on online forums and messageboards, because Mr O’Connor also taught you textiles and design in Year 9, at your understaffed high-school.
A high profile swimmer will post sexy photos of herself online from various locations in the Olympic precinct. Some of these artistic photos will be taken in a bathroom mirror, with a toilet or shower curtain visible in the background. Some of the other photos will be with strong, good looking athletes from the United States leading to feverish speculation about whether she is using one of the 87 million Olympic condoms with him.
An attractive, late teens, female swimmer that you haven’t heard of before, will end up winning a swag of medals. At this point you should also note that the collective noun for a group of medals is a “swag”. I digress, however. This swimmer will be signed up by a television network for exciting upcoming projects. These exciting upcoming projects are likely to be Season 13 of Dancing with the Celebrities, answering the phones at the station telethon, and a Zoot review for a new line of sports porridge.
An Australian will win a Gold medal in an obscure sport such as trampoline-kayaking, underwater-kickboxing or judo-table tennis. This person will be famous for twenty-three minutes until an actual athlete wins a medal in a real sport.
There will be an investigation into our Olympic uniforms and flags being made in countries other than Australia. This will explain why Australia never wins gold in the 200m sewing.
An enterprising journalist will write an opinion piece on the hypocrisy of the Olympic Games being sponsored by fast food companies such as McDonalds and soft drink companies such as Coca-Cola. That journalist is probably known by name at the drive-thru window of his local McDonalds restaurant and cancels appointments with his personal trainer because he is at a service station buying two commemorative 3-Litre bottles of Olympic Coca-Cola for seven dollars because the attendant talked him into it.
Lydia Lassila checks her medal for authenticity.
Please remember that any articles about Australians winning Gold Medals will be accompanied by photographs of the athlete biting into their gold medal to prove that it is gold. This is the law. Keep in mind, this is a scientific method, approved by the United Nations, to check the physical makeup of unknown metallic substances. It’s can officially tell whether the medal is made of gold or chocolate. This is particuarly salient if the photograph features the same athlete earlier accused of eating too much chocolate and being unfit in the lead up to the Games.
There is a growing trend towards sports which can be synchronised. Synchronised swimming, like it or not, is still an Olympic sport. The good news is, we now have synchronised diving, and if all goes according to plan, soon we will have synchronised hammer throw, synchronised fencing, synchronised Greco-Roman wrestling and synchronised synchronising.
On the topic of Greco-Roman wrestling, please be advised that homophobic alpha-male comedians will make several jokes about athletes participating in this sport for the duration of the Olympics.
As the games draw to a close, someone will do the statistics on how much taxpayers have contributed to the financial success of elite athletes and will question whether they should have to pay some of it back, just like everyone else has to eventually pay back their subsidised university degrees.
This will coincide with another article revealing how millions of dollars in productivity has been lost because of workers taking sickies after sitting up to watch the Olympics all night. A Chamber of Commerce or some such will estimate it at fifty billion dollars, meaning that, altogether, the Olympic athletes owe us each one gazillion dollars.
Let’s hope their medals are gold instead of chocolate.
A 14-year-old from Rhode Island, Nicholas Lowinger, was chosen as a 2012 Huggable Hero, winning $10,000 for his outstanding work in public service. The boy's foundation, Gotta Have Sole, donates new footwear to children living in homeless shelters.
New shoes not only provide the perfect fit for a child, but they also instantly increase a child's self-esteem. To date, Nicolas has purchased 5,000 pairs of shoes for homeless kids by collecting donations worth $200,000.
Although the 501(c)(3) non-profit charity was initially established as a simple community service project for his Bar Mitzvah in November 2010, Nicholas has continued his selfless service. Shelters around the United States send him footwear orders with specific shoe sizes and Nicholas collects and hand delivers packages to the kids in RI and MA, and sends the rest to needy families as far away as Texas.
"I decided to give shoes because shoes take you places," said Nicholas. "You can't really go somewhere without shoes... and clothing is something people regularly donate to shelters."
To commemorate the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Nicholas held a special event to collect and send new footwear to more than 90 children of the first responders. Nicholas was named one of 15 “Huggable Heroes” by the Build-A-Bear Workshop this month, winning ten thousand dollars and earning a scholarship for himself, as well as $2,500 for his charity.
All these young philanthropists from the U.S. and Canada realize that kids can impact their community in a major way. The Good News Network will feature many of these Heroes over the next das on our Great Kids page.